The Horrors Persist, and So Do I
A musing on the horrors I’ve endured this year, and my ongoing battle with the monster named Grief.
I have been floating aimlessly in The Void for what feels like an eternity, but in reality, it’s been a year.
It’s been a year since my mom passed. It still feels like yesterday. No one prepares you for the deafening silence that comes after the death of a loved one. I’m finding it hard to cope with the finality of it all.
My mom is the reason I turned out Like This. When I was a child, she used to tell me these fucked up bedtime stories, starting each one with “once upon a time…”
Every story went like this:
“Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Jenika, and she was [bad/not listening to her mother/misbehaving] and so a monster [in the closet/under the bed/ in the bushes/any place Jenika was not supposed to be] ATE HER. The end.”
Then, she would shut off the light and wander downstairs for her evening cigarette. The Brothers Grimm have nothing on her.
I wish I were only grieving the loss of my mother, but her passing is not the only way in which this year has been unkind to me. I’m also grieving lost time battling my slumlord in court, athletic gains lost to injury, lost community, lost money, lost sanity—loss, loss, loss.
In these moments of grief, I’m reminded why I lean into my mom and my shared love of horror for comfort. I turn to horror for a cheap thrill when my funds and fun are low. While I only ask for a few laughs and adrenaline to get my blood pumping, I’m left with lessons, too.
Horror has taught me that life is learning how to manage grief, and it doesn’t shy away from the reality of losing—hard—despite your best intentions and efforts. Horror understands what every weirdo, freak, and loser learns early on—that sometimes we must fight tooth and nail to survive. And this is where you’ll find me these days: nose to the grindstone, just trying to survive.
I love that my mother introduced me to horror too early. In a fucked up way, I’m grateful my mom taught me to face my fears and deal with them head-on. A childhood of looking under the bed for monsters has prepared me to look real-life monsters in the eye. I’m still working on looking my grief in the eye, too, as that’s the only thing that keeps me up at night.
I’ve heard some form of “you're so brave” from many well-meaning people in the face of all I’ve had to endure this year. I don’t consider this a compliment. I’m brave because I have to be. But I am grateful for my resilience. I always bounce back.
The Horrors persist, but nevertheless, so do I. I am so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had this year to talk about Spooky Shit. I want to share them with you, as well as some horror that has comforted me lately.
Where I’ve been:
Many thanks to my glorious alma mater, The College of William and Mary, for inviting me to speak about Black horror at this year’s Ampersand Film Festival.
I was thrilled to be a guest on the Midnight Mass Podcast discussing The Craft.
I’m proud of my contributions to FANGORIA’s latest issues. In April, I discussed motherhood tropes and my late mother. For the upcoming July issue, I had the immense pleasure of interviewing Heidi Honeycutt, author of the forthcoming book I Spit On Your Celluloid, a celebration of female horror filmmakers.
I’m grateful to have spoken with Mama D on The Queen's Tea Podcast about my FANGORIA article on motherhood and its perilous state during socioeconomic upheaval. Nothing is more terrifying than real life!
I’ve had a few other fun opportunities that I can’t wait to share later!
I loved:
Fallout Season 1 (Amazon Prime)
Chucky Season 3 (Peacock)
Handling The Undead (theaters and VOD)
I liked:
Late Night With the Devil (AMC/Shudder)
The First Omen (Hulu)
I’m currently watching:
Interview with the Vampire Season 2 (AMC)
The X-Files (Hulu). I am slowly but surely making my way through this iconic series! On season 6 right now.
I’m currently reading:
And yes, I’m currently reading all of these at the same time.
Brett Easton Ellis's “American Psycho” is a wild ride. I'm glad the movie avoided overt and gratuitous racism, but despite this, the book is still a fantastic laugh-out-loud satire.
“Life Ceremony” by Sayaka Murata. Murata quickly became one of my favorite authors after I devoured “Convenience Store Woman” in a day. Her offbeat stories are heartfelt, weird, and deeply unsettling. Murata’s writing perfectly captures the experience of being an Odd Woman: the harsh rebukes we face for not being able to conform, the well-meaning ways our loved ones try to “handle” our eccentricities, and the beauty of rejecting societal norms that don’t serve us. She is not an author I recommend to most people, but if you’re my kind of weird, you’ll love “Life Ceremony.”
“The Black Girl Survives in This One (Anthology).” I love or identify with nothing more than Enduring Women, so having a book full of them is a treat!
I’m Playing:
Mortal Kombat 1 (PS5). It is still a mediocre experience, but I’m having fun; I think
Cult of the Lamb (Nintendo Switch)
God of War: Ragnorok (PS5)
I can’t wait for:
A time when I can catch In A Violent Nature
For Love Lies Bleeding and Immaculate to be on one of the few streaming services I have
Luigi’s Mansion 2 HD (June 27, 2024)
Hades II
“I Spit On Your Celluloid” by Heidi Honeycutt (August)
Thanks for being here. I will return sooner than you think! Keep an eye on The Void at all times.
-Jenika